Friday, August 21, 2009

Classification of fitness freaks in the gym !

After spending some five years of my life working out in gym wherein I managed more attendance than in college lectures :D, I learned a lot about fitness, diet, suppliments and above all, observed an amusing mix of creatures at the gym who actually inspired me to sit down and segregate them into different categories. I'm sure nobody would like to fall into any of these categories, but the sad fact is, many of us, sometimes inadvertently, act as THAT GUY in the gym !!

Which guy, you ask? The one who does something cheesy, and knows it (or should), yet keeps on doing it.

We've all seen them, worked out next to them, and complained to our buddies about them - those guys who do things in the gym that are dangerous, worthless, annoying, or just plain stupid. For all the talk about gym etiquette and all the information available on exercise form, these guys somehow still don't get it and are constantly annoying or amusing us.

You've probably seen one, know one, or hell - you may even be one! Don't think that just because you're not a newbie, you're immune... most of the people I see committing these sins have been at it for a while, some even have decent builds. Take a look below and see if you recognize anyone.


The most common gym lurker. As the name implies, this guy works on muscles to show off at the bar, with purpose of impressing chicks or intimidating pencil necks. Usually, it's a young guy between 15-25 years old, who's at the gym working on every upper body muscle he can see from the front. Working more on the bulk, this guy easily qualifies as a bouncer, if not anything else.
The routine consists of endless curls, bench presses, pushdowns and seated presses. Once in a while, you see him throw in a few lat pulldowns and crunches just for fun.

Chat Boy

This type of guy is rare, but you don't want to run into him. Chat boy wants to discuss lifting, eating, or life in general with you, often in great detail. Now, I have nothing against conversation, especially workout talk, but chat boy doesn't know when to stop and turns a one-hour workout into two.

The Sharp Dressed Man

Believe me, not every girl is going crazy for this guy. I've seen him many times, and I still don't get it. His lifting attire consists of a T-shirt, dress pants, and loafers. I mean frigging loafers? One workout I could understand, but nobody forgets their gym bag everyday.


Stanky, for lack of a better term, stank. It wasn't a natural, "I just busted my ass and sweated a fountain" type of odour - it was more of a festering pile of sewage smell that assaulted the nose. I'm pretty sure that he didn't wash himself, his gym clothes, his underwear - or most likely all three. I could smell him coming and it was so bad that if he worked next to me, I would finish what I was doing quickly and run for oxygen.


I'm all for boxing, I think it's a great way to stay fit and relieve tension. What I don't get is the guy shadowboxing in front of the dumbbells. My gym has no boxing equipment, not even a place to jump rope, yet Rocky comes here three times a week to get ready for Apollo. Here's a hint: it's not that kind of gym.


This guy loads the bar up with way too much weight, eekes out 3 reps with bad form and then mutters "shit", loudly, after his set prematurely ends. He's under the impression that everyone cares how much he's lifting, and wants us to know that any other day he could have made the lift. If you see this, make sure to avoid eye contact, otherwise you'll end up hearing a lengthy, bullshit explanation for the travesty you have just witnessed.


This is self-explanatory. If you even think this might apply to you, buy some new pants. Now!

Mr. Scream

No matter what weight this guy is using, or what rep he's on, he feels the need to share his pain with us. A certain amount of noise is understandable, and even expected on certain movements (i.e., squats), but nobody wants to hear you yell through 4 sets of pushdowns.

The Hurler

Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with puking. This guy feels the need to launch any weight he's just finished using, especially dumbbells, onto the floor. Not only is this a hazard for anyone near him, it breaks down the dumbbells. Losing control when lowering weights might happen once in awhile, but launching the weights so everyone can look and see how much you used is pathetic.

The Tag Team

I thought this one was overstated by everyone, until I joined my latest gym. The team, as the name implies, is actually two guys working together to lift the same weight. This is almost always on the bench press, where one guy loads the bar up and his friend helps him pull every rep after the second one. I've even seen instances where a guy was helped on all of his reps. Rhetorical question time: If you need help to bench 150 kg, do you really bench 150?

The Entourage

Another one that borders on cliché: You've seen the group of guys - usually high school to early 20's - lifting together. They almost always congregate at the bench or preacher station. They hog up this area without seeming to do any work. They're more interested in what party they're going to or which chick they're trying to score with. Lord help you if you want to bench when they're around.

The Jackass

I couldn't think of more appropriate name for the guy who loads up a bar or machine, does his reps and leaves it. The next person is then stuck with the task of unloading the 200 kg his friend just helped him bench.

The Wanderer

This guy combines his love of walking with weightlifting. His routine: load the bar up, do a set, walk around the gym for 10 minutes and repeat 4 or 5 times. My favorite is when they load up a bar, leave it in the squat rack and come back and curl it. Same amount of time - twice the jackass.

The Orthopedist's Dream

Let's see: he squats onto a chair and bounces back up, deadlifts like he's waiting to be mounted and benches with an arch you could drive a Tata Safari through. Hey buddy, hear that crackling noise? It's your spine mate !

Dance Fever

Every time I see Dance in my gym he's either on his way to, or coming out of an aerobic class. Sometimes I think he does it to meet chicks, but then I remember his stylin' headband and Richard Simmons-like build. I'm all for cardiovascular fitness, but I believe that unless it involves hittin' something, men do not belong in aerobic classes. I myself have a very close friend who spends 3 hours in aerobics session daily and doesn't miss out on flirting with the pretty aerobics instructor !

Soccer Body

20 years ago, Soccer Body dominated the field on his high school football team. I know this because I've heard him tell his story at least 50 times. It's either right before or right after he looks in your direction and says: "I used to lift more than this." Every time a young guy with a decent build comes near him he asks, "You play football?" This inevitably leads to a retelling of SB's past glories. Hey buddy, leave the kids alone - it's over.

The Scholar

I see guys carry bodybuilding mags around the gym all the time. Usually they're trying to follow some bullshit 30-set routine; I feel bad for them but it doesn't really bother me. What irritates me is the guy reading a book in between sets. You shouldn't be able to talk between sets, much less have the ability to read a book. I mean, if you're not going to put real effort in, then why bother in the first place? Last time I checked, there were no studies showing that reading Men's Health is anabolic.

Mr. Naturale

The biggest "natural" guy in the gym. I have no problems with gear, but watching shitface talk about the virtues of being natural and how it was training "balls to the wall" that got him big really gets to me. Nobody's asking for a confession, but if you're juicing, don't try to present yourself as something you're not.


Okay, I know I said this would be about guys, but I'm sure at least one woman will read this. Anyway, Dumbellina is the epitome of what women shouldn't be doing in the gym. Her entire workout revolves around those tiny cast iron dumbbells that wouldn't give a toddler a good workout. I'm not sure what's she's doing with them, but it looks like her goal is to one day flap her arms and take to the sky.


Every gym has at least one of these guys, whose sole purpose at the gym is to search for someone to rub up against. His habits of constantly leering at, hitting on, or "accidentally" bumping into the female members make him a nuisance. One of these days he's going to bump the wrong girl and end up with a 20 kg plate sticking in the side of his head.

Baby Humpty

Here's one for the younger guys. Humpty's claim to fame is that he mocks all of his scrawny classmates at my gym for the weights they use. Being a skinny teenager is hard enough and I'm sure getting to the gym takes some balls for these guys. What they don't need is verbal abuse from some doofus who just happened to be born big, fat and strong. He's another one that will eventually screw with wrong person and have his ass handed to him.


Coach has somehow managed his girlfriend into going to the gym and letting him train her. Unfortunately, he thinks she needs to follow his "hardcore" training methods. It's almost comical listening to him tell her that leg pressing is for sissies. It's even funnier to listen to him correct her out loud for wanting to "tone up." Hey pal, she doesn't care if "getting toned" is a misnomer -- she just wants to look good. She squats with better form than you anyway...and yeah, she's HOT !! ;)

I could actually list another 20 of these dopes, but I think you get the drift by now. Maybe you didn't know or maybe you did and made excuses for yourself. Either way, do us all a favor and don't be that guy!